Telling porkies (elaborate lies)

I come from a long tradition of storytellers where facts were often sacrificed for the moral of the story

You may recognise some of these storytellers from times past, laughing it up at the feet of their master, Mark Twain.

Stories as object lessons:

The oral tradition is long and well-documented since the dawn of humanity. I inherited my storytelling tradition from countryfolk who perfected their craft over long winter nights by the fire. In New Zealand, what we call porkies (elaborate lies) often pose a question as to their veracity. They usually end with: “…and that was the moral of the story.”

Questioning the story is an important part of the tradition: to discern what is real and what is not.

The best stories start with a question that illustrates a simple moral. But a really good story leaves you thinking that there must be more. Surely?

Offering a promise of something…hope…humour…justice…mystery perhaps. Southerners set the scene with, “I got to thinking…” This means that you have pondered something seriously and arrived at a moment of truth. It gives what comes next a certain weight, “Listen up, ya’ll!”

What would Jesus say?

Unfortunately, the particular pile of porkies that we consume daily on our phones are downright dangerous, designed to perpetuate some pretty loathsome ideas. That ‘guns don’t kill people,’ for example. That climate change is a hoax. That Māori are better off post-colonization. That it’s OK for Christians to discriminate against LGBTQ+ people and the lesser among us.

New Zealand is an ocean or two away from the cut and thrust of global places and politics. It takes a while for the boats and airplanes to arrive, unloading hundreds of people who carry their diseases of mind and body.

Before COVID-19 arrived here, our leadership had a brief window of time to plan a response and set up screening, quarantine facilities, and a communications plan. As much as some folks railed against the protocols, they saved tens of thousands of lives. For once, the tyranny of distance worked in our favour.

Although the other sickness sent to infect our populace with disinformation was less easily blocked - Kiwis saw through a lot of that. Images of our PM with blood dripping from her teeth didn’t move most of us. A few red-hatted clowns indeed dragged confederate flags through the streets to the horror of decent citizens. Yes, a group of disjointed and disaffected people made a lot of noise and trashed public grounds around the Beehive (our Capitol is literally shaped like a beehive). After making a huge stinky mess, they set fires to their own bedraggled tents and left, defeated.

Our bigger problem is homegrown. Porkie-proliferators live among us. They fly their political perpetrators around in purple planes and wear matching ties while posing as protagonists. These are not stupid people. They may look like innocent smurfs ‘just asking questions’. But they are intent on changing our political and social landscape to make themselves and their minders very, very rich.

Unfortunately, American politics fuel our wannabe billionaires who emulate their grift. Sadly, important global news is boiled down to the catchiest headlines here. I get a lot of “how could Americans do____ (fill in the blank)?”

Evidence of this newly minted grift is all around us. Our New Zealand Prime Minister recently said “I’m wealthy, and sorted” (set for life) on a live TV interview. His story goes: by firing thousands of government workers and taking food from the mouths of children, New Zealand will net ‘good KPI’s’ (key performance indicators).

Personally, I don’t know a corporate CEO worth his salt who thinks starving your customers is a good idea. (Luxon refers to citizens as ‘customers’.)

I’m not sure who buys this story. Our price of eggs here is WAY over the price that Americans used as their excuse to put a convicted felon into the White House. Deep down, we know that promises to lower our cost of living are designed to lull us, whispering, “This time it will be different”. Sure it will.

In some ways, being a small country is a blessing. New Zealanders of all stripes, from students, to academics, to journalists and free thinkers, SEE the truth. They walk long hikoi (protest marches) gathering people as they go, to demonstrate our concerns and korēro (share stories).

Leadership is not dead. It is shape-shifting to survive.

Geeks on parade:

From my safe vantage point, it is still very had to watch the Greek tragedy being enacted in the US Capitol Rotunda on 20 January, attended by the wealthiest people on the planet, revelling in their bought and paid-for inauguration. (20 January is the anniversary for my return to New Zealand. I had far better things to do that day.) I have walked through those hallowed halls. It’s hard to imagine them being so defiled as they were on 6 January 2021 and again 4 years later in this way.

You have to admit it looks like the Hugest Liars are winning. From crypto memes to head fakes. The more they lie, the more money they make. Shifting how people think by using propaganda in ways that would make Joseph Goebbels proud.

Unfortunately, the naked truth often lacks the allure of the lie. It won’t necessarily feed your ego or make you rich. We are going to need to get creative. Truth is the only antidote. Truth may not be very sexy but it must be gotten at (divined).

Paradoxically, my first creative career in advertising used stories to effect a desired response and shift perceptions. Stories can mask the truth, create new narratives to excuse, or lay blame for any purpose.

Case in point: our current New Zealand narrative extols the virtues of ‘cutting back’ while giving tax cuts to the wealthy. Sound familiar? A pile of porkies being proffered by a wealthy ex-CEO Prime Minister who uses the word ‘entitled’. A lot.

Stories within a story

During the thick of the pandemic, our PM Jacinda Ardern kept an exhausting schedule. She implored us to “remember to be kind” every damn day at her 1 pm media standup. A limp opposition party engaged in rounds of lame candidate switching and slagging off (criticizing) the current government for saving our multitude of asses.

Enter a Messiah: a conservative white evangelist mooted as Prime Minister shoe-in.

“In July 2019 Christopher Mark Luxon resigned from one of the country's most prominent jobs, running Air New Zealand, to become a high flier in the field of politics.” Radio New Zealand

Running for a safe National seat in Auckland, Luxon began making the rounds. Apparently, his handlers thought that the blue-stocking white-haired CBD Rotary Club would be a soft target.

The table was set. Auckland lockdown protocols for large gatherings required all guests to enter wearing masks and be seated at a table before unmasking. One masked server was designated for each table. Mingling was not allowed. Those rules were not observed at the Parnell Rotary Christmas Dinner in 2019.

I had invited a National supporter friend to that dinner. It will be fun, I thought. We entered wearing our masks and were unceremoniously directed to a table of 8 other mature women near the door (single women always get the worst seats). The only other masks in sight were on our servers.

Enter Luxon striding ahead of his gaggle of aides, all maskless. Flagrantly disobeying the protocols was a middle finger to everyone in the room. I was aghast.

He mounted the stage and began to extol his virtues in an, ‘I’m just a boy with hardworking middle-class values who made good’ kind of way. Completely flat and uninteresting. He stooped to criticize ‘this government’. Amateur hour on steroids. He even admitted, “I apparently don’t poll well with older, educated women”, gesturing with open arms, “What’s with that?”

Having cut my teeth in corporate circles, I was not impressed. His blatant disregard for COVID-19 protocols, not to mention my demographic, were way off-brand for a fledging leader.

As his entourage marched out, he spotted us and made a beeline for our table: his older female target practice! Startled, we all stood up. He shook hands as each woman offered gushing versions of ‘I’ve been a National supporter all my life’ with their blessing.

When he got to me, I said, “As an independent, I came to listen”. His eyes lit up, “You’re an Amer-ee-kun!” like I didn’t know that. “I lived in Amer-ee-ka in Chicago. My friend Obama was such an amazing guy….” I wanted to gag. I sighed and said “You know what Obama would say?” locked and loaded. He replied “No what”?” My words tumbled out of my mouth as I formed the idea: “He would say: ‘People just want to be inspired!’ I hope you find a way to bring people together rather than sow division. I’ll be watching.” I smiled. Really - I said almost those exact words.

I watched in slow motion as he pulled back, ashen, uttering “Oooohhh!” spun around and made for the exit. The air in his giant bald head deflated as he grew smaller and flew away. (I made that bit up).

I reached for the hand sanitizer as I sat down and asked, “Well, was anybody inspired?” Everybody stared silently at their plates as coffee was served. My friend simmered in her seat. I had just insulted her anointed soon-to-be Prime Minister. Luxon was reportedly down with COVID-19 shortly after that.

Over 100 credible threats of harm were made against our Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern in the following 3 years. Our homegrown anti-vax crowd had become emboldened. Luxon had to know his harping (complaining) contributed to the pent-up rage against Ardern. A convicted conspiracy theorist is still on the run, evading sentencing for threatening to hang her. How do these people sleep at night?

Despite the fact that New Zealand’s COVID-19 protocols and success have been lauded around the world, we still have people running around mad as hell. Jacinda’s appearances on Stephen Colbert’s show and her popularity overseas just made the haters even madder. The better she did, the more people tore her down.

The Moral vs. Morale

Luxon’s 3-party coalition (National, ACT and NZ First) won the 2023 Election. After several months, they finally formed a government. Limping onstage, their promises have failed to deliver results or inspiration. Will he make his precious KPI’s? I wonder what the moral of this story will be. Back peddling isn’t cutting it.

As I welcome new and returning Kiwis to New Zealand, I must be honest. Our economy and our morale are at a low point. But like any moving market - picking the bottom is very difficult. With a twinge of survivor’s guilt, I still think New Zealand is a far better place to make a life. Recent polls stated that 42% of New Zealand professionals are considering a move to Australia! Which creates opportunities here for people willing to dedicate themselves to success. If it’s just about a higher salary then fine - go to Australia. Been there, done that.

Incredibly, through COVID-19, a terrorist attack, an earthquake and several floods, our government delivered New Zealand through the worst outcomes. Some amazing people made sure of that: from our doctors and nurses to our police, to our educators, to the caregivers who left their families to protect our elderly. We were very, very lucky to have leadership that based their protocols on the evolving science, and stuck to the hard work of informing us and reminding us, “Be kind!”

There will always be naysayers and hatemongers. What really encourages me are the incredible young people, in the most unlikely places like Tennessee and - yes - Auckland Central, who are taking up leadership. That bodes well for us all.

While last week’s Treasury report is ‘pretty bad’, according to economists, we are caught in a cycle of cutbacks, which is slowing our GDP, causing more job losses, resulting in lower GDP and so it goes. Luxon’s plan for a smaller government is biting hard as shops close and thousands of Kiwis board jumbo jets for Australia. Forever.

National’s tax cuts for the wealthy are backfiring. Enter: Luxon announcing his plan to switch from ‘development’ to ‘growth’ this year with no plan for how. Branding ‘Growth is Good!” is the current catchcry. If you read carefully it sounds like that growth is coming at the expense of selling our assets. ‘Privatization’ is the new buzzword meant to enthuse the overloards.

Meanwhile, Kiwis of goodwill have a lot of work to do. We know the assignment. Some feed the homeless while others speak out against seabed mining and complex economic challenges.

“You are not allowed to give up.” Alexi Navalny

Given our position on the planet, we are used to challenges. Energetic new fighters step to the front of the queue (line). We rely on each other and work with what is at hand. I am very grateful for the many civic-minded who wrote over 300,000 submissions to challenge a torrent of dangerous bills before Parliament. The Treaty of Waitangi ‘Principles Bill strikes at the heart of our founding values.

Like wolves (we only have the human kind in New Zealand ) dressed in sheep’s clothing, numerous hastily written bills were slipped in the door before the holidays. Fortunately, our front-line sentinels sounded the alarm. Word travelled fast in our collectives. So many people made online submissions about these onerous bills that they crashed the Parliamentary website. Oral submissions are being made as I write by ordinary standup citizens of every stripe. People are paying attention.

This government has written their own epitaph: “we came, we grifted, we slinked back to our boltholes (secure mansions in remote places).”

You can always count on Kiwis to show up when something needs doing.

The moral of my story is this: a citizen’s work is never done.

Ka kite i a koe ākuanei! (see you soon)